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INTRODUCING THE NEIGHBOUR'S WIFE A Comedy Monologue by Katy Coxall SCENE: An upstairs landing, outside a bathroom door. The door has glass panels which grotesquely alters Jean Greenie’s already grotesque face when seen from the other side. Jean is convinced her husband masturbates inside. As she long ago outlawed the practice in her house, Jean is adamant that she will stop her husband’s ejaculation. Becoming more and more unstable as her conversation progresses she reveals the life that poor Rob Greenie must have. This sketch serves to apologise for and make understandable the antics of Rob Greenie who, to protect what little he has left, bullies women, children and old people. READ THE NEIGHBOUR HERE Jean Greenie is angry, convinced Rob is masturbating inside the bathroom (despite her longstanding outlawing of the activity) she angrily bangs on the door and is shouting:
Jean Greenie: Rob? Rob! What are you doing in there? Answer me Rob! You dirty little man! You’re doing it again – aren’t you? I told you what I’d do. I warned you Rob. I’ll know if you do. I’d know that smell anywhere. Looking at your filthy magazines? Where do you buy them Rob? Aren’t you embarrassed what people think when you buy them Rob? Aren’t you? (BEAT) This is your last chance Rob – right. (BEAT) You’re going to regret this. [Jean produces her mobile phone] Right Rob, stage one, I’m phoning your mother. Does Mommy know how Robby Bobby carries on? She will Rob . . . [Jean dials and waits for Rob’s Mother to answer] (BEAT) Joan here, is that you Joyce? (BEAT) It’s about your prr-r-ecious son. (BEAT) Well Joyce, at the moment he’s in the bathroom. (BEAT) I can’t just say it Joyce, I have standards. You’ll have to guess Joyce. (BEAT) No Joyce, if he were doing that I wouldn’t be phoning you. (BEAT) No Joyce, nor that. What your son is doing will send him blind Joyce. (BEAT) Bingo! Yes, Joyce, that’s exactly what he’s doing, your precious son is tossing one off – that’s what we call it in this house, it’s not nasty nudging here. We also call it dirty burp Joyce – don’t we Rob? He’ll not finish it Joyce. There’ll be no dirty burping here. (BEAT) I know Joyce, very embarrassing, isn’t it? You should try living with the nasty little prat. (BEAT) Thank you Joyce, goodbye. Hear that Rob? Now your dear Mama knows about you. Stopped yet? Answer me, you nasty little prat. Open this bloody door. Open it now or it’s stage two. You don’t think I will? (BEAT) See what your boss has to say? I’m dialing the number Rob. He wants someone like you in charge of poultry? (BEAT) Yes, Bernard please. (BEAT) Jean Greenie, Rob Greenie’s wife. (BEAT) A private matter. (BEAT) I’ll hold. Last chance, she’s putting me through to Bernard, Rob.(BEAT) Where do you hide your magazines Rob? Any minute now Rob and your boss is going to know what a dirty little man you really are. You know I burnt your copy of Big and Bouncy don’t you Rob? When I find your crumby collection I’m burning that too. Answer me! You nasty little pra(t) Yes, still holding. Hear that Rob? You nasty prat, I told you this would happen. Speaking. Thank you. She’s putting me through Rob. Here goes. (BEAT) Yes, hello, is that you Mr. Parker? (BEAT) Oh, it’s you Rob. (BEAT) Nothing really, just (BEAT) I forgot you were at work this morning. No, no, your Mother’s fine. See you when you get home then, don’t forget to pop in for my doughnuts of your way home. Yes, a dozen. Goodbye Rob"
(Jean Greenie exits the stage to go about her usual daily business - later the audience discovers that it was the spoilt daughter, sat on the bog reading, listening to loud music with headphones, had been in the bathroom)
This page was last modified on Friday, June 20, 2008 01:27:21 PM |
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